Mutt and Jeff, the Survivors

Mutt: Whew, that was close.
Jeff: You're telling me.
Mutt: Coulda been worse.
Jeff: What? Charlie Manson for President? Jim Jones? Jeff Dahmer?
Mutt: Hell, we could have elected Donald Trump!
Jeff: Nah, that could never happen.
Mutt: We've been away too long.
Jeff: Third class passage wasn't that bad. But I still can't paddle a boat, canoe?
Mutt: What do you call a cardboard belt?
Jeff: Oh, we're going to start right in with the bad jokes?
Mutt: A waist of paper.
Jeff: Okay, did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?
Mutt: I bet he stopped at nothing to avoid them.
Jeff: So what do you call a deer with no eyes?
Mutt: No idea.
Jeff: So what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Mutt: Still no idea. How old are the hills? That joke is older.
Jeff: A medical question: what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Mutt: I'd say the taste mainly.
Jeff: A guy's driving when he sees a bar and decides to stop for a drink. There's a bouncer who stops him and says, "Sorry. You need to have a tie to get in." The guy goes back to his car and looks for a tie, but can't find one, so he puts jumper cables around his neck and goes back to the bar. The bouncer sees him, chuckles, and says, "Okay, go on in, but don't start anything."
Mutt: I gave away all of my dead batteries today.
Jeff: Oh, yeah.
Mutt: Free of charge.
Jeff: I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asks me to help her check her balance.
Mutt: Did you?
Jeff: Yeah, I pushed her over.
Mutt: What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Jeff: I'm guessing attire.
Mutt: What did the executioner say before going to work?
Jeff: Time to head off.
Mutt: For me too.
Jeff: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.