Mutt and Jeff to the Rescue

Mutt:  Think the boss's unwell?
Jeff:  Why? Cuz he ain't written his stupid blog in a while?
Mutt:  Like a hella long while.  Oowah!
Jeff:  An embarrassing long while.
Mutt:  Maybe he's super-busy with some super-important project.
Jeff:  Maybe he's just a super-lazy slacker. A gold-bricker. Layin' down on the job.
Mutt:  Yeah. As Confusedest says: Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
Jeff:  And just who is Confusedest?
Mutt:  Ancient sage from New Jersey.
Jeff:  So what do we do till he gets his (euphemism alert) ACT together?
Mutt:  Keep the boat afloat, baby. It's up to us now.
Jeff: Okay, baby. Let's see, heard any good jokes lately?
Mutt:  As Peewee Herman would say.
Jeff:  As Jimmy Durante would say: I got a dozen of 'em!
Mutt:  Adjusted for inflation.

Jeff:  You're a scientist, do you know Cole's Law?

Mutt:  Enlighten me.

Jeff:  Thinly sliced cabbage. 

Mutt:  If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?  

Jeff:  To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Mutt:  Well put. Did you read about the truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus that overturned on the highway?

Jeff:  How terrible!

Mutt:  The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded." 

Jeff:   I would have been shocked, stupefied and shook up.

Mutt:  Did I ever tell you how many existentialists it takes to change a lightbulb? 

Jeff:  No, but I bet you will.

Mutt:  And you can't stop me. It takes two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Jeff:  For the love of Mike.

Mutt:   I also know that the parts of speech are lungs and air.

Jeff:  The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

Mutt:  A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Jeff:  Define H2O and CO2.

Mutt:  Way too easy: -- H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. 

Jeff:  A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

Mutt:  The general direction of the Alps is straight up. 

Jeff:  Are we on a roll yet? 

Mutt:  Say: ... Where do baby storks come from? 

Jeff:  Oh my, I don't know. Maybe I'll go jump off the bridge ... of your nose.

Mutt:   I'll jump on your mug first. Put up your dukes, you scallywag!

Jeff:  That does it! I'm not telling you my best joke then.

Mutt:  Aw, come on, please Jeffy, please.

Jeff:  After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." 

Mutt:  Say 'Happy trials'.

Jeff:  Happy trials.